


So Selfish

by somanyfeels



Series: Tumblr Prompts [5]
Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Hurt Tony, Hypothermia, Kidnapping, Loss of Trust, M/M, No Arc Reactor, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Protective Rhodey, Relationship Issues, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Steve Has Issues, Tony Feels, Tony-centric, Trust Issues, Untreated Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-14 15:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4569474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyfeels/pseuds/somanyfeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony wasn't bitter or jealous, he was fine.  Steve had to focus on helping Bucky, he understood that.  He knew that in situations like this it was only natural for him to be pushed to the side.  He was okay, he could handle not being the most important person in Steve's life.  He just had to stop being selfish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Someone asked me to write this on tumblr and because I have no self control I'm writing it. It just has so much potential for angst. I'm sorry.

Tony could pinpoint the exact moment things started to fall apart.  It had been July 2nd, two days before Steve’s birthday, and three months since James Barnes had moved into the tower.  It was when Bucky’s nightmares had started, after months of what seemed like peaceful, dreamless sleep, he had relaxed enough to allow his mind to reveal the horrors of his experiences.  It was also the night Steve had stopped sleeping in their bed. 

 

It was fine at the time, Steve still kissed him goodnight, still made him coffee in the morning, he just didn’t sleep in their bed.  Tony understood.  It was always easier to get through nightmares when someone you knew and loved was there to hold you through them.  It wasn’t a problem back then.  If Steve started spending fewer hours in Tony’s workshop, started cancelling more dates than usual, and calling him less and less, than that was just what went along with helping a friend.  Tony could live with it for a few weeks.

 

It had become an inconvenience when Steve’s birthday came and went and Tony only got to see him for a few hours, as he had been too busy with Bucky and helping him through the loud booms of the fireworks to do much of anything else.  Tony didn’t get the chance to give him his present.

 

It had become an annoyance after a month had passed and Steve still hadn’t come back.  When Tony’s nightmares and begun to bombard him in the night and he was too exhausted, too terrified, to get up and find the comfort that had left him.  Steve didn’t notice, not the deep purple circles under his eyes or the shakiness of his hands.  He would just give Tony a light peck on the lips and his morning cup of coffee and then leave to start his day.

 

Tony was willing to admit that it had become a problem when Steve had missed their anniversary.  He had called later in the evening to apologize.  He had a good excuse, Bucky was having a good day.  He was relaxed and remembering more about who he used to be.  Tony couldn’t fault him for wanting to be there and be a part of it.  He didn’t get a chance to give Steve his present, nor did he see him to get his goodnight kiss.

 

It was quickly approaching two months since their relationship had apparently been put on hold so Steve could spend his time helping Bucky, two months since Tony has had a peaceful night of sleep, two months since he had been able to hold Steve close and felt like he belonged to someone, and two whole months since Tony has felt like his relationship was loving and secure, now it felt broken and bursting apart at the seams.

 

Tony didn’t realize how little he had mattered, how unimportant he had become, until their most recent mission.  Usually, Steve would come straight down to the workshop after the debriefing that Tony would always skip so they could make sure they were both okay.  Steve would gently kiss the few bruises that managed to get past the protection of the armor and Tony would gently stroke the already healing scrapes and cuts that Steve had collected.  That didn’t happen.  Steve had either forgotten or didn’t think it important anymore.

 

The fact that Tony had taken a hit, had been thrown through a building, and was now dealing with his bruised ribs alone, probably didn’t even cross anyone’s mind.  No one came to check on him, Steve didn’t show up after debrief, and Tony had curled up on his couch in the corner of his workshop with an icepack pressed against his side and waited there.  If his side throbbed a bit too much, if he curled up on the couch and fell asleep, and if he woke up a shivering mess because he dreamed of a too hot desert and the too cold void of space then it was fine.  It was only for a few weeks.  He would be okay.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“Are you okay, Tony?”  Rhodey asked, frowning as Tony sat down at the table and sipped at his coffee.

 

Tony shrugged, humming into his cup of coffee.  “Fine.  Never been better.”  He said flatly.

 

Rhodey nodded slowly as he took a step closer.  It had been three days since Tony had last spoken to Steve.  It was such a little thing, an unimportant thing compared to how important Steve’s time was and how he was helping Bucky so much.  He was just being selfish, Tony could get over himself for a few more weeks.  He’ll be fine.

 

“You sure?  You’re not looking too good.”  Rhodey said.  He reached out and laid a gentle hand on Tony’s shoulder.  He had to stop himself from flinching away and smacking that hand off of him.  “When was the last time you got any sleep?”

 

That was probably it.  Tony wasn’t sleeping well, he was jumpy.  “Last night.”  He said automatically.  It was the truth, but he left out the part where he had slept for two hours before waking up and spending the next six trembling in his bed.  Alone.

 

The conversation had ended.  Tony didn’t say anything more, Rhodey didn’t ask any other questions.  It was awkward though, usually every silence around Tony was filled with either pointless conversation or loud music.  The quiet made his thoughts a bit too loud, the quiet was deadly.  Rhodey’s hand didn’t leave his shoulder, instead it squeezed harder.

 

“How are you and Steve doing?”  He asked slowly.

 

“Fine.”  Tony said, his mindless and immediate response to all questions about their relationship.  “We’re doing great.”

 

“Oh, that’s good.  The media has been trying to figure out why they don’t see the two of you out anymore, they’re theories were that you’ve either broken up, one of you cheated, or that you’ve mastered hiding from photographers.”  Rhodey said, the hesitation was clear in his voice.  The uncertainty of whether or not something was wrong.  “And you haven’t been calling, which means either everyone is either okay or devastatingly wrong.”

 

Tony rolled his eyes.  “Maybe I’ve just been too busy to call.  Things are fantastic.  Bucky’s been doing great, Steve’s very happy, and I managed to finish rebuilding the engine for my Shelby.  You know the one, you’ve been drooling over that car for decades.”  He said.  Rhodey smiled and shook his head.  Good, the change in subject was not only welcome but preferred.  “I’ll have to let you test drive it.  It’s so quiet and maneuverable now.  Thing of beauty.”

 

“Ugh, you made it quiet.  You just had to make it quiet.”  Rhodey said teasingly.  “A car like that needs a loud engine, makes it sound more powerful.  God, you ruined it didn’t you?”

 

“I like efficiency, Princess Bubblegum.  And efficient engines are quiet engines.”  Tony said.  “You just don’t understand the high caliber of genius my engineering entails.”

 

Rhodey laughed, smacking Tony on the shoulder and shaking his head.  It sent pure agony shooting across his side and down his chest.  Tony jerked away instinctively, his hand shooting up to rest protectively on his throbbing ribs.  Rhodey was pressed against him instantly, a gentle arm around his shoulders and he helped Tony out of the kitchen stool and onto the more solid ground.  Tony’s breathing came out in shaky, panicking gasps as the pain overwhelmed him and circled around the center of his chest where the reactor used to be.

 

The pain felt too deep, too personal, and too much like someone was digging around in there and pulling metal shards through his flesh and tearing apart his chest.  Too many images were hitting him at once, brutal surgery in a dirty cave with no anesthetics and shouts in languages he didn’t recognize, Obadiah sitting in front of him and sneering as he ripped the reactor out of him, blue veins spreading across his chest and burning through his skin.  There was too much pain and too many sensations for him to focus on anything else.

 

After a while it was clear that he wasn’t alone.  Strong arms were wrapped around him and holding him against a warm chest.  Tony didn’t open his eyes as he buried his face into the soft shirt in front of him.  He was being rocked gently.

 

It was Steve.  He was there, he was holding him close and fending off the horrible memories that were trying to burst forward.  Steve had come back.  Tony whined softly into Steve’s chest, wiggling a bit as he tried to press himself closer.

 

“You okay, Tones?”  Rhodey said softly.  Tony tensed immediately, so it wasn’t Steve.

 

“Yeah.”  He whispered.  “I’m fine.  Just a few bruised ribs from the last mission.  Hurts a bit more than I would have liked, but I’ll get over it.”

 

“What did the doc say?”  Rhodey said, because of course he would assume Tony had seen a doctor.  Whenever he took a hit during a mission, after Steve would come to check on him and make sure he was okay, he would drag him off to medical.  But Steve didn’t come and Tony hadn’t seen a doctor.

 

Tony shrugged.  “Said I was fine.  It’s just bruising, I’ll get over it.”  He said.  “Pain just took me by surprise for a second there.”

 

It was a lie, one that wasn’t well received based on the hard lines that were forming on Rhodey’s face and the tight line of his mouth.  He didn’t say anything though.  There was nothing to say, nothing to talk about.  Everything was fine.  Tony was just a bit sore and a little too tired.  Things would be fine soon.  He just needed to wait a few more weeks.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“Christmas is coming up.”  Steve whispered into his ear.  “Next week.  I know it’s been a while since it’s been just you and me, a lot longer than I meant it to be.  We should do something special, just the two of us.”

 

Tony smiled, his arms wrapped around Steve’s waist and relishing in the feel of Steve’s strong arms wrapped around his shoulders as the rocked back and forth to whatever song was playing over the radio.  This was it, this was everything he had missed.  There had been too little of this the past five months.  But it was these few, beautiful moments that reminded Tony that he was still loved and that he hadn’t been forgotten completely.  He may not be as important anymore, but Steve still loved him.

 

He could count on one hand the amount of times he had seen Steve without Bucky somewhere nearby.  Tony wasn’t bitter, he wasn’t jealous or angry.  He was just happy for these few moments of alone time that happened whenever Natasha or Sam decided to take Bucky out for dinner or to go shopping. 

 

“What do you wanna do?”  Tony mumbled.  “We could go to that Mexican place you love so much.  Or we could stay in and watch the Christmas Story, that’s one of your favorites.  Or we could just have a few hours of mindblowing sex.  I vote for that last one.”

 

“Of course you do.”  Steve said.  His mouth trailed down the side of Tony’s face and sucked lightly at his neck.  “I don’t care what we do as long as we do it together.”

 

Tony could feel his face grow hot and his heart pick up ever so slightly.  “I have a plan.  Christmas Eve, nine o’clock at night, we go to that little pizza place where we had our first date.”  He said.  “Don’t you dare be late.”

 

Steve laughed, a sound that was music to Tony’s ears, and nodded.  “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, sweetheart.”

 

Everything was okay.  Bucky was doing fantastic, Steve was going to come back to him, and everyone was going to be happy and okay.  Tony had nothing to worry about, he almost felt guilty for all those negative thoughts that would slip through his mind on his particularly bad nights where images were a bit too vivid, the shouts too clear, and the pain too real and he would curl up on Steve’s side of the bed and cry, silently wishing that Bucky Barnes hadn’t come to stay with them.  Bucky had more right to Steve’s time than Tony did and now that things were getting easier than it would all be okay.  Tony could stop being so selfish.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Tony was at the restaurant at nine and he had left at eleven with an empty stomach and Steve’s present still in his pocket.  It stung a bit more than it should, Steve had missed most of their dates these past few months.  Although usually it came with a phone call that was also an apology and loving words coupled with false promises.

 

He took the long route back to the tower, the cold was a perfect distraction from the heavy and almost painful ache in his chest.  There had to be an explanation, a good excuse.  Steve was busy, he had something more important to do.  Tony was just being selfish.  Bucky needed him, Tony couldn’t keep demanding attention when Bucky needed him.

 

When he finally made it back to the tower he went straight for the communal floor.  It was Christmas Eve, the whole team was either there celebrating or off someplace with their families.  Steve would probably be there.  He would tell Tony what had happened.  There had to be a reason.  Tony was just being paranoid and selfish.

 

“Hey.”  He said as he walked into the living room.  Natasha was sprawled out on the couch with Wanda as they painted Rhodey’s nails different shades of red and green.  Rhodey was allowing it to happen with a wide smile on his face.  Steve was there, sitting close to Bucky on the loveseat with an old looking book on his lap.

 

Bucky’s head shot up when Tony addressed them.  He smiled, a wide friendly one that was always warm and sincere and mostly reserved just for him.  Tony wasn’t bitter, he reminded himself often, he wasn’t jealous.  Bucky was kind, he was gentle, and he was all the things Tony didn’t expect from the cold blooded assassin he had read about in all of the SHIELD and HYDRA files.  He thanked Tony every chance he got, and apologized just as many times.

 

Steve glanced up quickly.  “Hey, baby.  You’re just in time.  We found this old photo album of us, want to see how cute Buck and I were as kids?”  He said calmly, his attention falling back towards the book.

 

“I’m leaving.”  Tony said flatly, refusing to deny that there was an empty feeling in his heart where it should have been breaking.  “Gonna move back to Malibu.  I’m not going to come back.”

 

Bucky’s smile slid off of his face, his eyes growing wide.  Natasha and Wanda both stopped and stared, their hands hovering over Rhodey’s hands.  Wanda looked confused, Natasha would have looked calm if not for the slightly faster breathing and the way her eyes darted between him and Steve.  Rhodey stood up quickly, worried and concerned all at the same time.

 

Steve simply hummed, his attention not at all on what Tony was saying.  “Alright.”  He said as he turned the page.  “Tell me how it goes.”

 

“Steve.”  Bucky whispered quickly.

 

“Buck, do you remember this one.”  Steve said as he pointed down at a photo.  “Scraped both of your knees trying to climb every tree in the park.”

 

Bucky looked at him, panic clear in his eyes.  “Steve!”

 

“I think it’s over.”  Tony said slowly, he weighed every word carefully before he said it.  Once the sentence was out everything seemed clearer, his body felt looser.  All the tension that seemed to have been building up for months had simply melted away.  “We’re not working anymore.  So, good luck.”

 

With that he turned and left the room, turning back for just a second to see Steve’s distracted face still staring down at the photos and Bucky’s face painted with horror as his body tensed, probably expecting a fight, and shaking at Steve’s shoulder quickly.  Tony didn’t want to stay to have to break up with him again, he didn’t want to have to explain things.  If he was so unimportant that Steve didn’t listen the first time, then Tony wasn’t going to risk destroying himself by doing it again.

 

Rhodey may have called after him, Natasha may have been shouting, but Tony simply closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall of the elevator and once the doors slid closed and took him down to his parking garage it was silent and Tony could pretend like the peaceful, empty feeling he had just felt a moment ago wasn’t rapidly disappearing into the sensation of pain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say that you guys broke the record for the amount of comments received on a single chapter of one of my fics. Over 45 comments on the first chapter! It's a bit exciting (and intimidating) to come home and find that many in your inbox. Thank you all so much! I replied to as many as I could, hopefully I didn't miss any of you.  
> Also, in writing the chapter became twice as long as the first one. I hope you're all grateful.

_‘Tony, you can’t just leave whenever you feel like it!  It’s still your company, your responsibility, you had so many meetings and I had to explain to so many people that Tony Stark just up and left.  You know what, it doesn’t matter.  Are you okay?  I’m worried about you, call me back.’_

 

Tony was in the mood to waste as much time as possible so instead of taking the suit or even the jet, he decided to drive to Malibu.  The suit would have gotten him there in an hour, the private jet in five hours, and driving should have taken him no more than two days.  It’s been a week and he was barely half way across the country.

 

Wasting time meant he didn’t have to think about anything important for a while.  He could distract himself on whatever there was in the country between New York and California.  It turned out there was a lot, and pretty much nothing at all.  He had driven for hours in a single direction and had passed maybe three buildings.  Somehow he ended up here, standing in front of the world’s largest ball of twine.  Wasting time.

_‘Tony, it’s me.  Answer the damn phone before I put on the suit and track your ass down.  Pepper’s upset, Steve’s upset, Natasha’s yelling, Bucky is… I don’t know.  We’re all freaking out.  You should have made it to Malibu by now and I know you’re not there.  We sent Clint to check on you.  Guess what he found?  An empty house.  You have five hours to fucking call me back before I hunt you down.  If you’re dead when I find you then I’m going to bring you back to life simply so I could kill you myself.  Stay safe.  Pick up the phone.’_

 

It was interesting to think about.  Someone had taken so much time and effort to build this for no other reason but because they wanted to.  The World’s Largest Ball of Twine.  Someone had spent years of their life putting this together, making it perfect, and now showing it to the world.  What is that person doing now?  Have they moved on?  Do they come by often to keep on adding to it?  Tony wasn’t sure what twine was or how to make balls of it, but certainly it had to take a lot of work.  What if the ball went into disrepair?  If things started to fall apart then someone had to care enough to fix it, balls of twine required a lot of maintenance.  Someone had put forth an effort to keep it together.

 

The ball was in a pavilion.  No walls, just a roof over it.  What if it rained enough that the ball got wet.  What if it caught on fire?  This was Kansas.  The ball was in Kansas.  What if there was a tornado and it just blew away.  Tony didn’t know a lot about Kansas, but he was pretty sure there were a lot of tornadoes.

_‘Hey.  Are you still alive?  It might be a problem if you’re not.  Steve cried so I’m not sure how he’ll take you dying…  I’m sorry.  This is my fault.  I just keep screwing things up.  I’ll fix it somehow, I promise.  Just don’t die.  Okay?  Steve’s an idiot, but he cares about you.  He’s just… a giant asshole who is also an idiot.  Take all the time you need, just don’t die.  There are already too many dead Starks because of me.  Fuck, shouldn’t have brought that up.  God damn idi-‘_

 

“Would you like to add some to it?”  An older woman asked, walking up to him.

 

“What?”  Tony said.  He frowned at her.  She wasn’t making any sense.  It could have been the fact that he had had very little sleep the past six months or that all the coffee in the surrounding hundred miles was absolute garbage.  Or she could be talking gibberish.  All were likely.  “Add what to what?”

 

“Twine.  Tourists can add more to it if they want.”  She said, her smile widening.

 

She was probably the woman.  The one who maintained it, kept it in perfect condition, and made sure it was as great as it could be.  Maybe she was the one who had spent all of their time on it, maybe she was just hired to look after it.  Tony didn’t know.  It was more than a little infuriating actually.  Here was something as pointless as a ball of twine and there were people out there willing to dedicate their lives to it.  This woman looked happy and excited about the idea of someone adding more to it.

 

“Why?”  Tony said quickly.  “It’s just a giant ball of whatever.  It’s useless.  No one cares about it, just give up already.”

_‘We need to set up a system for checking in.  I understand that you need space to clear your head and after all the shit you’ve had to put up with the past few months I wouldn’t blame you for running away.  But you’re my friend, I don’t have enough of those and I’m terrible at keeping them for very long, so you have to pick up the phone and just let us know you’re okay.  Steve’s an idiot, but getting yourself hurt isn’t going to fix anything.’_

 

By the time he started feeling guilty for how rude he was, he was already out on the highway.  A stack of brochures in the passenger seat and his phone plugged into the stereo as it played all the messages in his voicemail.  Two hundred and eighty.  Tony was gone for a week and he had two hundred and eighty messages, most of them from either Pepper or someone on the team.  He hardly listened to most of them, they were usually just asking Tony to come back, to stay safe, pick up the phone.  Mostly just Pepper and Rhodey, everyone else either didn't have the time or the energy to care too much.

_‘Tony.  I’m so sorry.  Please don’t run away, don’t do this to me.  I didn’t realize.  I didn’t notice you were hurting, I didn’t see how bad things were getting.  I just got… You missed Christmas.  Are you okay?  Please come back.  I don’t know.  I messed up.  I just always thought you would be there and I got so caught up with the past and trying to get things to where they used to be that- Call me back.  I just want to hear your voice again.  I’m s-‘_

 

He kept driving west.  Eventually he would get to California, he’ll be in Malibu, and everyone could just stop worrying.  Tony just wasn’t ready to go home yet.  Everything would have to be dealt with once he was home, even if he would be on the other side of the country and far away from Steve.  The media would have a field day trying to figure out what Tony did to finally drive Steve away.  Pepper would have to move the company’s HQ back to California because history stated that it was best for the company to have Tony close by, either to win over hesitant investors or to have immediate updates on new tech.  There would be discussion of his position as an Avenger, that there was tension in the team, that he was isolating himself, and any number of things that would have to be considered.

 

Messages kept on playing as he drove over state lines and went from one ordinary expanse of land to the next.  They were all pretty repetitive, full of apologies and questions, begging him to come home or to stay safe, asking him to pick up the phone or call them back.  The familiar voices were soothing once he got past the situation and instead let his mind drift.

 

He stopped driving when it got late.  The roads were slick and dark, Tony was aware enough to know not to go driving around in the middle of nowhere during the winter at night.  He would end up getting himself killed.  Also, with no light pollution like there was back in New York the whole sky turned into a blanket of bright stars.  Once upon a time he may have found it beautiful, now it just left a cold feeling in the pit of his stomach.

 

Driving wouldn’t be good for him right now.  Instead, he climbed into the backseat of his car and waited.  He couldn’t sleep.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“Where the hell have you been?”  Rhodey shouted the moment Tony stepped through the door.  “Three weeks, Tony!  You’ve been gone for three weeks.  I was starting to think you were dead!  Steve called SHIELD and said you were missing, Bucky’s looking into HYDRA activity, Natasha and Clint have been preparing for a rescue mission.  Hell, Thor was half tempted to go talk to some Asgardian he knows who can apparently see everything just so we could locate you.  You can’t just do shit like that!”

 

Regardless of how angry his words were, Rhodey still rushed up to Tony and pulled him close.  He was willing to admit that three weeks was a bit excessive, but he had gotten so caught up in being a tourist and seeing the world as someone who was just passing by that he hadn’t been ready to go back to his own life and his own problems.  He still probably wasn’t ready, but he had come home anyway.

 

“Good to see you too, baby cakes.  What are you doing all the way out here?”  Tony said.  He pulled out of Rhodey’s embrace and walked towards the kitchen.  No one had lived in the Malibu house for almost a year, yet it was had been cleaned thoroughly and the kitchen was stocked.  Tony could leave New York and travel over two thousand miles and live life without almost everything in its proper place.  “Did Pepper send you to make sure I looked over the computer specs before we began mass production?”

 

“No, she and I both agreed that me coming here to wait for you would be the best move.  Just in case you ever did come back and I could yell at you and then report back that you’re safe.”  Rhodey said.  “Where did you go?”

 

Tony shrugged.  “Well, for starters I would like to point out that I’m fine.  Nothing bad happened and just because I want to take a few weeks to clear my head does not mean I am dead or locked away in a basement or something.  I needed me time.”  He said.  There was already a pot of coffee in the kitchen.  “It all turned out great.  America is full of a lot of really weird people who do really strange things for no reason.  Did you know that in Nebraska there is an exact replica of Stonehenge that’s made out of old cars?”

 

Rhodey blinked.  “What?”

 

“Someone built that, Rhodes.  Some asshole thought that it was a good use of his time and money.  He cares about a bunch of cars in a particular formation.”  Tony said.  He gulped down his first cup of coffee in just a few seconds and started to pour himself another.  “You know what happens when it starts to fall apart?   They go out and fix it, because they care about a bunch of stupid cars that are sitting in a circle.  It may not be important to anyone else, but it’s important to them so they fix a stupid fucking car statue thing.  People are so weird.”

 

“Yeah.”  Rhodey said, nodding slowly.  “When was the last time you slept?”

 

“Last night.”  Tony said.  Technically the truth.  “Not important though, what we should really be discussing is the fact that the nearest pizza place takes almost an hour to deliver.  I could get a pizza in fifteen minutes in New York.”

 

Rhodey rolled his eyes.  “That’s because there were pizza places everywhere in New York and you were the richest man in the city.  You could get anything you wanted almost immediately.”  He said.  He took the coffee mug from Tony’s hands and took a long sip from it, not giving it back as he sat down on top of the counter.  “If it bothers you so much you could just come back to the tower.”

 

“I can’t do that.”  Tony said.  He pulled another mug out of the cabinet and poured himself more coffee.  He hadn’t had decent coffee in weeks, small town cafes and diners were decent enough, but Tony spent a lot of money to have the perfect coffee blend and machine to make it.  It was good to be home.

 

Sleep had been evading him for months, sometimes he managed to get in a few hours, sometimes none at all.  Coffee would do him some good.  It’ll keep him focused enough to get back to work.

 

“Everyone’s worried, Tony.  You disappeared for three weeks.  You can’t do that to us.  We’re your friends, if something happened to you and we couldn’t help you then the team would fall apart.  It’d kill us.”  Rhodey said.  There is was, the guilt and pain had managed to slip in through all the distractions and mindlessness.

 

“Don’t say ‘we’.”  Tony said flatly.  He was just tired, so very tired.  “Besides, you said in your message that if I didn’t call back within five hours you would hunt me down.  That was two weeks ago.”

 

Silence, a short pause in conversation as Rhodey looked up at him and frowned.  That was it, wasn’t it?  He didn’t come looking.  Maybe that was why Tony spent so much time going from one place to another, running away from home and his problems and getting lost in things that didn’t make sense, because no one cared enough to come looking.  Rhodey didn’t care, Pepper didn’t care, Steve didn’t care.  The rest of the team was just inconvenienced.  No one could spare a moment for Tony Stark, a few calls should do just fine.

 

“Oh, so you did manage to pick up the phone.  Would have been nice if you could at least called one of us back.”  He said slowly.  He put down his coffee mug and stood up, walking up to Tony and wrapping his arms around his shoulders.  Tony went willingly into the embrace, letting his head fall into the familiar space between his shoulder and his neck.  “I get it.  You wanted alone time.  You loved that asshole and he screwed you over.  Had to get away.  But the rest of us love you too, we’re your friends.  We deserve to know that you’re alright.  Besides, when you didn’t make the deadline Natasha tracked you down and put a tracker on your car.  So technically, I knew where you were going.  Just let me yell for the sake of yelling, okay? We knew where you were, we knew you were alive, but that doesn't mean the team wasn't freaking out. I just want to know why.”

 

Tony gasped, as if scandalized, but in actuality it wasn’t all that surprising.  They cared.  They had to care at least a little bit to put forth the effort, and keeping track of him while he went about his own business in a period of high stress was exactly their style.  Maybe, they did have time for him.  It was hard to tell, his mind was jumping back and forth between the numbing feeling of being unimportant or useless and the hope that people still cared about him, his friends wanted him.

 

“You’ve been tracking me?  Colonel Rhodes, I believe that’s a breach in trust.”  He muttered against Rhodey’s neck.  “Whatever happened to freedom of privacy?”

 

“I’ll apologize as soon as you promise to talk to me, or Pepper, or anyone really, the next time you decide to take time for yourself.  Three weeks was too long.  You can’t do that to me again.”  Rhodey said.  His hands had started to rub in circles against Tony’s back, a gesture that was as comforting as it was familiar.  “Besides, usually you carry around things to jam the signals.  Tracking you should have been more difficult that it was.  You’re slipping up.”

 

“I’m sorry.  I just needed to get away.”  He said.  “There you go, Tony Stark’s Patented Apology.  I hope you’re happy.”

 

“Not really.”

 

Somehow, Tony had gone from hugging Rhodey to being held by him.  His feet were still on the ground, but all of his weight was leaning forward into the warmth of his friend’s chest.  Rhodey bent down slightly to get a better hold on him and lift him into the air, Tony didn’t protest.  If he was carried from the kitchen and into the living room, then Tony didn’t notice.  All he was really aware of was that Rhodey was holding him close and now they were both sprawled out on the couch.

 

“When was the last time you slept?”  Rhodey asked.

 

“Last night.”

 

“No, I mean when did you last get eight hours?”  He said.  His hand came up to stroke Tony’s hair.  “You’re barely even conscious at this point.  You shouldn’t have been driving.”

 

Tony hummed.  He could drive just fine, he could drive with both eyes closed if he felt like it.  A little bit of sleep deprivation wouldn’t do a thing.  “About four months.”  He said as Rhodey shifted so that he was lying across the couch and Tony was curled up on his chest.  “You know if you keep up all the touchy feely stuff then people will talk.”

 

“They’ve been talking ever since the day we first met and I pulled your naked, drunken ass out of swimming pool and away from asshole frat boys.”  He said, a hint of exasperation evident in his voice.  “How you managed to survive the fifteen years until that moment, I’ll never know.”

 

Tony laughed at that, it was a pleasant memory.  He was just a kid, dropped off on the MIT campus without so much as a ‘goodbye’ or ‘good luck’.  Being alone at college turned out to be a bit too much for him, not that he would ever admit that to anyone.  Rhodey had been there, had taken care of him.  Tony owed everything to him.

 

“Right, my knight in shining armor.  You never do give me a chance to forget that.”  Tony said.  “Met you on the day you ruined the biggest party on campus.”

 

Tony’s eyes drifted closed and the steady rise and fall of Rhodey’s chest underneath him was starting to lull him to sleep.  Rhodey’s arms were around him securely, holding him close and keeping him warm.  Not that it mattered, they were in California now. 

 

“Go to sleep.”  Rhodey whispered to him.  “We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

 

It sounded like a nice plan.  Tony’s head couldn’t get it straight in his head, he didn’t know if any of them cared or if this was all just an act, if they would abandon him the moment he became too much or something more important came along.

 

“I can’t sleep on my own.”  He said.

 

The hand in his hair was back, pulling gently at Tony’s greasy, ratted locks.  “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

 

~~~

 

 

“What happened after I left?”  Tony asked.  He was rested, showered, and was wrapped up under too many blankets on the couch in his comfiest clothes as Rhodey dug through the dvd collection.

 

Rhodey hummed, tossing another few cases off to the side.  Tony had already mentioned that he had access to every film ever made thanks to his amazing AI, but Rhodey shot it down.  He said choosing was easier when there were fewer options.

 

“After you said you were moving back here and that you were breaking up with Steve, who is a huge dick who apparently can’t spend five minutes to listen to his boyfriend, Bucky tried to get his head out of the clouds and into reality.  There may have been a lot of yelling involved.”  Rhodey said slowly, not looking up.  “He just got so distracted when he found the photo album, spent hours telling the stories behind each photo and Bucky would get so excited whenever he remembered something.  Steve’s mind was in the past, so Bucky got his head out of the book and then yelled at him.  Natasha may have shouted too.”

 

That was news.  He knew Steve wasn’t paying attention to him and that Bucky was trying to get him to focus when he left.  Before the elevator doors closed and he couldn't hear them anymore, Natasha and Rhodey were both shouting.  Hopefully they weren’t too hard on him, the past few months for him had been just as exhausting, if not more so, as they have been for Tony.

 

“You should have told us.”  Rhodey said.  “You just kept acting like everything was fine.  You should have told me he was hurting you.”

 

“He wasn’t hurting me!”  Tony said, his glare pinning Rhodey’s back.  It probably would have been more affective if they were facing each other.  “He just had more important things to do than put up with me all the time.”

 

“You were his boyfriend, Tony!  That means he has a responsibility towards you just like you have to him.”  Rhodey said.  He stood up quickly, a dvd case in hand and stomped over towards the television, purposefully avoiding Tony’s eyes.  “He ignored you, he pushed you aside, and he hurt you.  I’m proud of you for leaving him, but you should have talked to me.  You scared me.”

 

Tony frowned and remained silent as the movie started to play and Rhodey dropped into the couch next to him.  Instinctively, his head fell onto Rhodey’s shoulder.  “You shouldn’t talk about him like that.”  He said.  “Still captain of the team, you’re an Avenger now and he’s in charge of the Avengers.  We can’t have discord like this on the team.  What are we going to do if you start disobeying orders?  The only person allowed to do that is me, if we start working together on our disobedience who knows what will happen.”

 

“Shut up, I’m not going to do anything that’ll hurt the team.  Cap’s been doing enough of that.”  Rhodey said.  His mouth snapped closed as the title sequence of the movie started.  An action film full of mindless violence.  It was perfect.

 

They got through the first twenty minutes in silence.  Tony’s mind wandering away from his life and everything that was falling apart and turned towards the inaccuracies in physics, plot holes, and just plain annoying dialogue.  But like all action movies, there was a completely pointless romantic subplot.  A good portion of the movie was focused on how dedicated they were to one another and how in love they were.  It was disgusting.

 

“Do you remember back at MIT when I was dating that guy you hated?”  Tony asked, his eyes not leaving the television screen.

 

Rhodey hummed in acknowledgment.  “Ty Stone.  That guy was a prick.  He didn’t treat you right.”

 

“Yeah, and you beat him up and made me cocoa.  Remember what you said to me?”  He said.  Rhodey didn’t say anything, but he could feel him shaking his head.  “You told me that you can’t have a relationship by yourself.  All the people involved have to work for it, want it.”

 

“I said that because he was using you to get at company secrets.”  Rhodey said, sighing softly.

 

“Yeah, but it still makes sense.”  Tony pulled away and stood up, stretching out his sore and aching muscles while also ignoring the burst of pain across his ribs.  “I can’t be the only one who wants it.  Steve doesn’t want me anymore so I can’t just hold on to a dying thing.”

 

“Tony, that’s not wh-“

 

“It’s fine, Rhodey.”  Tony said.  He made his way towards the kitchen.  “Thing’s will be better now.  I can focus on work, I can build absolutely brilliant things without being distracted, and just think of how easy it will be to flirt with benefactors at Galas when they’re not worried about a red, white, and blue bundle of energy and jealousy.  I’ll be okay.”

 

The words sounded hollow, even to him.  He wasn’t going to be fine, at least not for a long time.  Steve was one of the best things that had ever happened to him.  He had become addicted to everything about the man, from the way he would lean into his touches and smile against his kisses to the way he blinked too quickly when he was angry or licked his lips when he was nervous.  Tony wasn’t going to be okay for a while.

 

It had been weeks since he’s seen him, since he’s even been in the same state as him, and the empty feeling in his chest was coupled with pain and had only seemed to be getting worse.  It was too soon, too early to think about the overwhelming loss.  He had to clear his head, forget about it for a little while.

 

 

~~~

 

 

Rhodey had to go back to New York, check in with Pepper and the team so they know he’s doing alright and so he could get ready for his next mission.  Tony was on temporary leave.  No missions, no Avenger’s work, nothing until he had his time to grieve and move on.  Tony was both grateful and spiteful.

_‘Tony, I understand if you want to ignore my calls.  I did a horrible thing, I broke what we had.  I’ll do anything to make it right, please come home.  I’ll move back into our room, I’ll tell you every day that I love you because it’s true.  Please just talk to me.’_

 

There wasn’t a lot to do to quiet his thoughts.  He had upgraded his armor, he tore apart half of the furniture in the house, he got faster internet.  After a while he couldn’t think of anything worth doing to keep himself distracted.  He needed to be distracted.

_‘I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until you left.  God, you broke up with me and I was too busy to even listen to you.  I get why you left, I understand.  I’m not mad, you had damn good reasons.  But I want to fix this, I want to make it work.  You mean so much to me, baby.  Call me?’_

 

The calls kept coming and every single one went straight to voicemail to be listened to later, peaceful background noise to block everything out.  They were mostly from Steve now, begging, pleading, and reasoning in hopes that Tony would come back.   He couldn’t go back, Tony couldn’t do it again.  He could live without being loved, with being less important.  It would be so easy.  But Tony was selfish.  He had saved the world, he figured he was allowed to be a little selfish.  Tony could live with being pushed aside, with not being cared about anymore, but he couldn’t live with being ignored.  He couldn’t stay in that place, where he was in a relationship, where he felt safe and protected, but didn’t ever see him.

_‘Bucky punched me in the face.  He likes you, you know.  Has become oddly protective of you.  Makes sense after everything you’ve done for him.  You saved him, you let him into your tower, put the best lawyers in the world in charge of his legal safety and protection.  You let me help him.  No one realized how badly I had gotten until- I’m sorry.  Buck’s doing so much better now, he doesn’t need me.  Even if he did it wouldn’t be an excuse for what I did.  I won’t do it again.  I can’t.  I’ll be careful.  Just… I need to hear your voice.’_

 

The tower had been cleared out of alcohol almost a year ago.  It was easy enough to get rid of, less easy to live without.  The mansion in Malibu still had the old cabinet, locked and dusty in the workshop.  It was still packed tightly with expensive bottles that sparkled in the light.  Tony needed a distraction, just for a little while until things got better.

_‘I love you, Tony.  I love you more than anything.  I shouldn’t have let Bucky’s return distract me from the best thing I’ve ever had.  I got so caught up in holding onto the past that I forgot the present, I forgot my future.  Bucky doesn’t have any of that.  He doesn’t have a past, no idea for the future.  All he had was what was going on in the moment and I wanted to help him.  The past was good, but it’s over.  You’re my everything.  Please.’_

 

Falling into the bottle was as easy as it had always been.  He didn’t have to think about a thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment as many times as you did last time! It's reassuring to see.  
> A lot of you had a lot of brilliant ideas about where you would like the story to go and although this one is already completely planned out (and mostly finished) I'm sure I can find a lot of brilliant inspiration from what you've all left me with. Thank you.
> 
> The people who sent the voicemails (in this order) were Pepper, Rhodey, Bucky, Natasha, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, and Steve.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone reading any of my other fics. Yes, I'm still working on them. There has just been such a high demand for this one that I have been busy updating it a lot.  
> I have been getting so many comments that I've been unable to answer them all. I'm sorry.  
> Also, be warned. This chapter ended up massive. Over 8000 words. Chapter 1 and 2 combined was over 7000 words. This chapter is larger than the other chapters put together.  
> I hope you're all thankful.

Tony wasn’t alone for very long.  Rhodey had been gone for barely five hours when they showed up.  Natasha had appeared first and silently began picking up empty liquor bottles while Bucky and Sam pulled Tony into a sitting position and checked his vitals.  It wasn’t a very good decision, his head started to swim and the room started to tilt. A trash can appeared in front of him just in time to prevent the contents of his stomach from spilling onto the floor.

“Wasn’t expecting you.” Tony said when he was finished, not missing how slurred his words sounded.  He used to be able to handle alcohol better than this, but a year of sobriety and too much liquor in a short time was taking its toll.  Or maybe it was just his age finally catching up with him. “Just in time for the party.”

Sam shook his head quickly. “Nope, party’s over.  Looks like you’ve had most of the fun without us.” He said, nodding at the small accumulation of empty bottles on the coffee table.  “The after party is going to consist of you drinking a lot of water, a nice relaxing bath, and a comfy bed to sleep in.”

Tony was tempted to protest as the gently lifted him off of the couch and into their steadying arms. He could yell at them, tell them to leave him alone and mind their own business.  But the whole point of this whole thing was to not think, to let distractions block out his problems for a little while until it all stopped hurting so much.  The Avengers were the perfect distraction, he wouldn’t have to work out the confusion on why they were there, he could just let them do whatever they wanted and maybe it would be entertaining enough to do the trick.

Natasha stayed behind, picking up all of the bottles that were scattered around the workshop.  Some of them were empty, most of them were half full, and the unopened ones were still in the cupboard.  It didn’t matter though because Nat appeared to be throwing them all out.  Tony didn’t have the energy to tell her to stop.

“You look terrible.” Bucky said.  “That’s the last time I let you run away from home.  Next time, I don’t care how desperate you are for alone time, I’m coming after your ass and keeping you out of trouble.”

“Don’t need it.  I’m fine.”  Tony said.  The fact that he was leaning heavily against Bucky as they helped him up the stairs and into his bedroom probably negated his statement, but it didn’t matter. Nothing really mattered at the moment.

They were all silent for a while.  His alcohol hazed mind could barely make out his surroundings, his interest in them were fleeting.  Bucky’s eyes were red, either he had cried recently or he was getting ready to.  Sam just looked sad with his arms crossed in front of him and his face turned down towards the floor.  This was his fault, all of it was his fault.  If he had just been less selfish and waited for Steve just a bit longer then they all wouldn’t have those devastated looks on their faces. But Tony didn’t care.

“Why are you here?” He said slowly.  Maybe they wanted something, maybe Tony was behind on updating their equipment or forgot to order more crates of pudding.  

“Because we’re your friends and we wanted to be respectful of your space after you ran out on us on Christmas Eve, but three weeks is enough.”  Bucky said quickly.  “Besides, you came home and stopped running so we all decided to take it as an indication that you didn’t want to be alone anymore.”

“We all?  Is he…”  Tony said slowly.  “Are you all here?”

They both hesitated, which was telling enough.  Tony wished he could fall back into bed and have it swallow him whole.  But instead he kept on sitting there, his eyes staring a hole into the carpet and his hands twitching for another bottle.

Sam was the one who finally spoke up.  “We were all pretty worried about you.  I mean, you were gone by the time Natasha and Bucky stopped yelling at Steve.  We spent all of Christmas debating whether or not to go after you, but eventually decided that if you wanted alone time then you should be allowed to have it.”  He said calmly.  They had decided to let him go and although Tony was grateful for those weeks to just think about himself and do what he wanted to do instead of waiting around the tower for someone who didn’t want him anymore it still hurt that they decided he wasn’t worth the time to retrieve.  “Steve kept begging all of us to help look for you, to go after you so he could apologize.  After a few days Natasha tracked you down and snuck a homing beacon into your car so we knew where you were, but it didn’t really help all that much.  Once you stopped running and we decided to come meet you out here, Steve came along too.”

That was exactly the opposite of what Tony wanted to hear.  He was terrified because one look at Steve’s face and a sincere sounding promise would probably be enough for him to go back and that was something he couldn’t do.  Tony couldn’t do it again.  He could be told he was loved and then promptly forgotten.  He wouldn’t survive that again.

“We all decided that it would be best for him to stay in a hotel.  He said he wouldn’t come over unless you wanted him to.”  Bucky said.  “I didn’t think he should come.”

“It doesn’t really matter either way.”  Tony said, shaking his head.

They all fell back into silence after that.  It was easy to just block everything out and let the world happen around him.  Bucky and Sam were walking around him and Tony didn’t look up to see what they were doing.  A glass of water was pushed into his hands and he drank it without a word. His shoes were being pulled off and he didn’t have the energy to question it.

“You’re going to take a bath, alright?”  Bucky asked as he pulled off Tony’s shoes and socks and put them to the side.  Tony shrugged and Bucky reached up to grab the hem of his shirt, freezing once it was finally off.  “Tony, what’s that?”

He reached out slowly and placed his metal hand gently onto Tony’s chest.  A dull pain erupted from the touch, but all Tony did was look down and see what he was talking about.  He had almost forgotten about the injury, the hit he had taken on their last mission that he had never had looked at.  Bruised ribs, he had thought.  He hadn’t been wrong, there had been a hell of a lot of bruising, but that was over a month ago and ugly purple and yellow blotches and patches of red inflammation still wrapped around his chest.

“Knocked down on a mission. It’s fine.”  Tony said.  It was a lie because it wasn’t fine.  His chest hurt, it hadn’t stopped hurting.  Sometimes the pain died down just enough to be ignored, but when everything would be a bit too much he could feel his muscles tense and the pain come flooding back.  It always hurt worse when he thought too much about things.  It was a distraction though, so Tony was in no hurry to fix it.

“It looks pretty bad.” Sam said, stepping forward and bending down to look at it.  His fingers trailed over the mass of scar tissue in the center of his chest and purple lines that seemed to curve around it.  “We should probably take you to the hospital.”

Bucky hummed in agreement and Tony was once again being supported in his arms and led down the hall. He didn’t protest, he didn’t argue. Tony just simply didn’t care anymore.

 

~~~

 

The arc reactor had been invasive, it had been damaging and painful and had gone so deep into his chest that his sternum had to be cut out.  It was the price that came along with having an electromagnet shoved into his chest to stop shards of shrapnel from tearing apart his heart.  At the time Tony had been willing to pay it.

Now the reactor was gone, his skin had healed back together, and his missing sternum had been replaced by a top of the line bioprosthetic.  It had connected just fine with his ribs, his body accepted it, and then he moved on.  But that hit to the chest had knocked it loose, just enough for infection to seep in after weeks of leaving it untreated.

“Well, this is bad.” Tony said.  He was lying back in a hospital bed, hooked up to all the monitors with Bucky looking him over carefully.  Sam was off consulting with one of the surgeons who want to try to reattach the prosthetic sternum to his ribs as soon the infection was taken care of. Natasha was in the hallways right outside his door, speaking on the phone in hushed tones.

Bucky sighed and ran his hand over his face.  “Yeah, this is very bad.”  He said. “If we all had waited and things got worse then you’d probably be dead.  You should have told someone you were injured.  Honestly, something like that should have hurt like hell.”

Tony shrugged.  “You get used to it.  Besides, I have a high pain tolerance.  Did you miss the part of my file where I literally had a hole cut into my chest with no anesthesia?”  He said, his voice flat.  “It’s not really a problem.  Who cares?”

“I care!  You’re my friend for fuck’s sake.  You could have died, do you have any idea what that would have done to the team?”  Bucky said loudly, barely below a shout.

Tony had an idea of what would have happened.  They would have lost their main benefactor and producer of their tech, the Avengers would be set back and inconvenienced but it wouldn’t be that big of an issue. Plenty of rich geniuses would be willing to step in, many billionaires had offered to donate money on multiple occasions to help the team save the world and with the rebuilding efforts in areas decimated by villains.  They would probably miss him, at least a little bit.  After he had spent years getting to know these people and fighting beside them, he had hoped he would have grown on them like a fungus and they would at least notice he was gone.  Or maybe not. It was hard to tell these days because evidence showed that Tony was easy to forget.

“Is that what you think?” Bucky said, his voice losing all of its previous anger.  “That none of us care about you?”

Tony wasn’t in the mood to argue.  He really didn’t know what they all thought of him, but certainly Bucky, who he had only known for a few months, wouldn’t be bothered all too much by his death.

“I don’t know what you guys think.  Maybe once you get past my good looks, charming personality, and endless amounts of wealth then you realize you don’t like me all too much.”  Tony said.  Bucky looked horrified, but Tony didn’t think any of it really mattered.

Bucky paused, his mouth hanging open slightly and his eyes scrunched up in confusion.  “Oh, god you’re an idiot.  I’m surrounded by morons.”  He muttered.  “Of course we like you.  You’re one of my closest friends at the moment.  You gave me a home, and after everything I did it was more than I deserved. You didn’t have to do all of that. Then I just screwed up again, this is all my fault.”

Tony sighed.  “Don’t be stupid, Barnes.  It’s not a good look for you.”  He said slowly.  It was exhausting, with the amount of alcohol in his system he probably shouldn’t be so coherent and he almost wished he had passed out, but here he is lying in a hospital bed with an ache in his chest and a worried super soldier at his side, the wrong super soldier.  “It’s not your fault.  Steve just doesn’t want me anymore, I fell on the list of important things in his life and he moved on.  I gotta do the same.”

“I’m glad you left him. I probably would have done the same, but he loved you.  Half the time we were hanging out together he was talking about you.  That might not mean much now, but he would get this distant look in his eyes whenever you were brought up and he would smile like a loser.” Bucky said.  He leaned back in the plastic chair next to Tony’s bed and crossed his arms.  He looked tired, probably just as tired as Tony felt in that moment.  “He likes to feel needed.  Steve always had a bit of a hero thing going on, even when he was tiny. Wants to know that he’s making a difference and helping people.  It’s a really confusing situation, he didn’t think he would ever see me again and now that I’m back and needed a bit of help he just put everything he had into it.  I probably didn’t need him for everything all the time, but I guess he was scared I would disappear again or he was guilty about what had happened.  I don’t know, all I know is that he screwed up and forgot his other responsibilities and it’s my fault.”

“I’m not going to take him back.  I can’t.” Tony said.  He closed his eyes again, hoping to forget the lost look displayed on Bucky’s face.

“I’m not asking you to, Tony.  I just want you to stop thinking that this is because we don’t care about you.  We do, all of us do.  Steve may have been I huge piece of shit, but that’s because of him, not you.”  Bucky said calmly.  He paused for a few moments, his breathing carefully controlled.  “I want you to come back to the tower.”

“No.”

“You don’t have to see Steve.  Hell, you could kick him out if you want.  It’ll just be better for the team and better for you if you’re not alone.” Bucky said.  “I didn’t like you being on your own for that three weeks you were on the road, but Nat thought that as long as you were running it meant you didn’t want us there.  I thought that was stupid, but okay.  Rhodey was there to meet you when you came back and now you’re not trying to run off but now you’re as drunk as a skunk and you’re hurt and I’m going to kick your ass if this happens again so come back to the tower.”

Any and all arguments Tony might have had about how he would have been fine on his own wouldn’t matter. He had been alone for five hours after he stopped his road trip and in that time he had fallen back into the bottle, gotten his damaged prosthetic infected, and wound up in the hospital. He could already feel the comfortable haze of intoxication lifting from him slowly and his fingers were twitching for another drink.  Bucky had a point, if he was alone again it’ll all just get worse.

“Why is he here?” Tony said slowly.  “In California, why is Steve here?”

Bucky sighed.  Tony didn’t bother to open his eyes to look at him, but he wasn’t sure if he would like what he would say next.  “He wants to apologize, find a way to make it right. I’m not sure how successful he’ll be, but once he has his mind set on something it’s hard to convince him not to do it.”

“You’re on his side.”

“Yes, I am.  He’s my friend, I remember him.  He’s one of the few good things in the past I can recall. I’m on his side, but does that mean I’m going to agree with him and back him up about everything?  No.  He messed this up, he has to fix it.”  Bucky said quickly.  He reached over and squeezed Tony’s shoulder.  “But, you were good for him.  He loved you, adored you, and although he didn’t treat you like he should have, he would do anything for you.”

Tony shook his head. “I can’t do it again.”  He whispered.  “I can’t go back knowing I’m not enough.”

He opened his eyes after that.  Bucky wasn’t looking at him, he was staring down at his hands, his metal one curled over his flesh one.  He looked so very sad, like he used to look months ago when he had first moved in and avoided everyone without saying a word.  

“You’re my friend, Tony. You saved my life.  You knew everything I did and what I was capable of and you let me into your home and did everything you could for me to be safe. I may not have really known who I was at the time, but I know an ally when I see one.”  Bucky said slowly.  He didn’t meet Tony’s eyes.  “After 70 years of missions and pain, I know who my allies are and I know that if they take care of you then you have to take care of them.  If you don’t want Steve near you then I’ll make sure it happens. Now, you’re exhausted and injured so you should go to sleep.  We’ll get you patched up soon.”

Tony realized how exhausted he really was.  Just the idea of sleep sounded amazing, but elusive.  He couldn’t get any sleep, not here in the hospital and not with all that was going on.  He wasn’t drunk enough anymore to be able to fall asleep, the stress of the situation was causing his stomach to twist and turn, and Tony wanted to go back into that intoxicated haze where he didn’t have to think about any of it.  He didn’t have to focus on Steve not loving him enough, about meaning less.  His chest hurt in a constant reminder that Steve didn’t care to check on him after a mission, his eyes burned from the florescent lights of the hospital, and all he could think about was the alcohol still waiting for him at home. Everything was falling apart.

“I can’t sleep.”  Tony muttered.  “I can’t sleep right now.  Can’t sleep on my own.”

He turned away, curling on his side and facing away from Bucky.  He was tired, he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.  Tony wanted to be alone and if they were all taking the end of his road trip as an invitation to come bother him than he wished he was still out there, looking at the largest collection of cheese or whatever weird things people did in their free time.  He heard Bucky move behind him, standing up from the stiff plastic chair the hospital provided.

He was expecting him to leave.  Tony didn’t expect him to climb into the small hospital bed with him and hold him close. “Go to sleep.”  He said.

“Who knew that all I needed to do to get you into my bed was to be drunk and sad?  What should I do with this knowledge?”  Tony said.  It was very strange.  It had been months since Tony had been cuddled, and here he was being cuddled by Rhodey one night and Bucky the next.  If things got any weirder he might end up being cuddled by Natasha.  The world didn’t make sense anymore so maybe.

“You can take that knowledge and go the fuck to sleep.”  Bucky said with a huff of annoyance.

It was surprisingly comfortable.  Bucky was warm and curled around Tony’s back, his left arm was thrown over his waist.  It wasn’t sexual at all, usually the only person Tony had been this intimate with and not have any remotely sexual feelings about was Rhodey.  It wasn’t that Bucky wasn’t attractive, because he was, it was either that he was so tired he didn’t care of that it just felt so good to be held that sex would ruin it.  Tony closed his eyes.

 

~~~

 

“Ah, fuck.”  Tony said as he opened his eyes.  After the infection was mostly taken care of, a team of skilled surgeons repaired his chest, reattaching the prosthetic sternum to his ribs. He assumed it went well because he was alive and waking up, but he almost wished it hadn’t because if he died on the operating table then he wouldn’t be face to face with Steve. “Way to blindside me.  Straight out of surgery and you take advantage of my temporary immobility.”

“You haven’t been returning my calls.”  Steve said slowly, his wide eyes running up and down Tony’s face as he studied him carefully.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”  Tony said.  He reached out to look for the nurse call button, he didn’t know if it was gone or if the numbness all over his body was stopping him from finding it. He couldn’t do this, not now, not while he was drugged and vulnerable.  “Have I been ignoring you?  That must have been so hard.”

Steve flinched at that, perhaps at the hostility in Tony’s voice or the reality of his words.  “I am so sorry, baby.  I messed up, I didn’t realize how long it was and how little time I was spending with you.  I should have known.  You were always so good to me, did everything for me.  I failed you and I’m sorry.”  Steve said, his head dropping and his chin falling down to his chest. “I didn’t expect you to wake up so soon. I just wanted to see you, didn’t mean to bother you.  When did you get hurt?”

Tony was tempted to lie, tell him it had happened on the road and had nothing to do with him.  But he also wanted to tell Steve the truth, wanted to see the look in his eyes when he said it had happened on a mission and he had forgotten about Tony again.  “It was my fault.”  Tony said finally.  He was too tired and him mind too clouded to think of an appropriate lie.  And even now, when every fiber of his being seemed to be falling apart, he couldn’t dream of hurting Steve like that.  “Took a hit on a mission and avoided going to medical.”

“Of course you did. You always avoid medical if you can.” Steve said.  His voice sounded too raw, too flat.  As if he had cried enough for his voice to crack and then had no emotion left for much else.  “Where was I?”

Tony sighed.  “I don’t know.”  His head was spinning.  He didn’t know if he should hate Steve for confronting him when he was like this or if he should ask him to just hold him.  “You should leave.”

“Yeah.  I’m sorry.  You’re right.”  He said quickly, standing up from his seat and taking a step closer to the bed.  “I love you.  I hope that when you feel better you’ll give me a call, but I understand if you don’t.  Take care of yourself, okay?”

With that, he walked out the door and left Tony confused.  Why did he have to do this?  Come back and fill his head with stupid ideas that he loved him.  All it would do was get his hopes up, trick him into going back, and then when it all falls apart again it would leave him irreparable.  Devastated and destroyed.

He needed a drink. Perhaps he could convince Bucky or Natasha to sneak him in a bottle.  Maybe if he begged or bribed they would, and then this would all go away. He would get lost in the drink and not have to think about any of this.  Maybe then Steve would see what a mess he had become and finally leave him alone.

His heart monitor was beeping loudly, dragging him out of his thoughts and back into the room. Doctors and Nurses were rushing forward, asking questions and checking his vitals.  A brilliant distraction, screaming hospital equipment and panicked hospital staff.  He could just focus on that for a while, as stethoscopes were placed against his bandaged chest and thermometers were jammed into his mouth.

Eventually it all quieted down, nothing was wrong with him.  He was fine.  The doctors and nurses left, placing the call button closer to his bed instead of where it was just hanging off of it, and told him that if he needed anything he shouldn’t hesitate to ask.  Tony needed a lot of things.  He needed a drink, he needed a chest that wouldn’t fall apart, and he needed to relax. This will pass, he’ll be okay soon, and eventually it will all stop hurting.

If Bucky came back into his room to hold him through the night again, then Tony was too tired to care.

 

~~~

 

“You told me you were fine!” Rhodey said once they were all back at the Malibu house.  “You said your ribs were bruised and that the doctor said you were fine.  You know what, I’m not even surprised at this point. You’re grounded.”

Tony laughed at that. “You can’t ground me, honey bear. So I lied, big deal.  I do it all the time.”

Tony was walking on his own, although Bucky had offered to carry him and Sam was insistent that he should stay off of his feet for a while.  Natasha didn’t argue with him.  Tony was capable of walking, his chest had tightened painfully, his vision whited out a few times and his head spun, but he could walk.  He walked all the way from the driveway to the couch in the living room at least.

His furniture was expensive, picked out by some pricey designer, but not all that comfortable. The couch in the workshop was better, but Tony didn’t think he could handle the stairs.  “Natasha, do you love me?”  He asked slowly.

“Maybe.”  She said as she dropped onto the couch at his feet.

“Can you go down into the workshop for me?”  Tony said, reaching over to grab the remote.  It was difficult, he could have sworn that his chest didn’t hurt this bad when it was infected and the prosthetic wasn’t connected properly. Maybe fixing things just made it worse. “In the big steal cabinet there’s a bottle of bourbon on the third shelf.  Can you get it for me?”

“No.”  Natasha said.

Rhodey sighed.  “So you’re drinking again?  Okay.”  He said softly.  He didn’t sound angry, but the disappointment in his voice was just as bad.

“You’re on a lot of medications.  Alcohol wouldn’t be good for you.”  Sam said.

“I’m sorry, why are you here?”  Tony asked quickly.  “To bother me?  It’s just a drink.  It’s fine.”

“Yes, Tony.”  Natasha said, rolling her eyes.  “We were all put on this Earth to drive you crazy and make sure you don’t drink.  Because we care.”

It would probably be best to ignore them, let them think they were doing what was better for him.  They would get bored eventually, they would all go back to New York, back to the tower, and then Tony can go back to ignoring everything.  Until then, he would just put up with them.  Bucky put in a movie, something much calming than the action films Rhodey liked, and then sat down on the floor in front of the couch and tilted his head back so it was resting by Tony’s stomach.  Rhodey pushed Tony to sit up so he had room on the couch, then made him lie back down so Tony’s head was on his lap.  Sam sat down next to Bucky, leaning over to insult his movie choice.  It was all friendly enough.  It was almost relaxing.

Rhodey’s hand was in his hair, pulling at his curls gently.  It was comforting, familiar.  Natasha tapped a stead rhythm with her fingers against his feet, either offering a soothing touch or just to remind Tony that she was there.  It could very well been both reasons.  Sam and Bucky muttered among themselves about the film.

Tony’s thoughts kept straying to the liquor cabinet in the workshop, to the bottles and the glasses. He hadn’t thought about drinking in months, after struggling to get rid of it for a long time just because Steve had asked him to.  Now he was back at square one, and he didn’t care.  Steve was gone, it was over, and Tony just wanted a drink.

 

~~~

 

Steve called twice every day, once to wish him a good morning and another to wish him a goodnight. Each call went straight to voicemail and consisted of three things, a brief rundown on how he was doing, an apology, and a sincere sounding ‘I love you’.  Tony tried to ignore it every time, but after a week it was getting to be a bit much.  He wanted to do better than that, ignore him for months just to show him how it felt, but it wouldn’t be the same.  Steve would get bored after a while and move on and also there was a difference between Steve ignoring him because Tony didn’t matter to him anymore and Tony ignoring Steve out of spite.  It would never work.

“Thank you for seeing me.” Steve said as he sat down at the table. It was an old diner, had been there for as long as Tony could remember and served the best waffles in the world. “I was surprised to get your text, I thought you hated me.”

“I don’t hate you, Steve.” Tony said, frowning down at his plate of waffles.  He looked over to the other end of the diner, where Rhodey, Bucky, Natasha, and Sam were all staring at them, their own food forgotten on their table.  “Our friends are weird.”

Steve chuckled, it was forced and broken.  “Yeah, but they care about you.  I’m glad they’re here.”  He said slowly.  “How’s your chest?”

“It’s fine.  Healing up alright.”  Tony said.  “I’m here to tell you to leave.  I’m… I’m trying to get over you and you’re not making it easy.  If we just go our separate ways now it’ll be fine.  I’ll recover from this and then I’ll come back to the Avengers.  The suit’s fast, I can get to any mission almost as soon as you guys, even from the Malibu house.  Everything will go back to the way it was before.”

Steve paused, his mouth hanging open.  His lower lip trembled and Tony was half tempted to reach out and run his fingers over his mouth.  Steve shook his head.  “Tony, baby, no.  I can’t lose you.”  He said, his voice harsh and cracked with emotion.  “I made a huge mistake that I’m not prepared to live with.  Hate me, yell at me, do whatever you like, just please come home.  I’ll treat you better, I swear I will.”

There is was, the heartbroken and desperate plea that was like a stab to the heart.  It would be too easy to just believe it, to go back to the tower and curl around Steve for a few nights until he remembers why he stopped loving Tony in the first place.  Then the wound would be cut open, Tony would be left broken and raw.  He wouldn’t survive it again, when Steve abandoned him.

“Steve, go home.  It’s over between us.”  Tony said.  “It was good while it lasted but now it’s dead and broken and we can’t get it back.”

“Tony-“

“Goodbye, Steve.” Tony said, jamming the last bit of waffle into his mouth and stood up.  Or he tried to stand, at least.  He had to lean heavily on the booth as he pushed himself up and he had only gotten half way there when Natasha appeared at his side and helped support him.

Once Tony was standing and was steady, she let go and allowed him to walk out of the diner.

 

~~~

 

“Where is he?”

Being Tony Stark was always more trouble than it was worth.  Waking up in strange, uncomfortable paces were becoming too much of a habit for him.  His hands were cuffed to a pipe that was sticking out of the wall and his whole body was slumped painfully against the stone wall.  His ribs hurt in a way that told him they were aggravated, but not injured.

“Where is he?”

They were avoiding hitting at his chest.  Even people dumb enough to kidnap him, given his history and what usually happens to his captors, were smart enough to realize that aggravating the still healing wound on his chest would probably have the opposite effect they wanted. More damage could puncture a lung and Tony was more useful to the world if he was alive.  At least he had that small mercy.

“Where is he?”

They never answered Tony’s questions.  Bucky was somewhere, hopefully alright, but Tony didn’t know where he was.  This was his fault.  Tony was the one who wanted to go get coffee, he was the one who wanted to walk instead of taking the car, and because of his stupid drinking problem Bucky was the one who wanted to come with him to make sure he didn’t stop by the liquor store.  Bucky said that wasn’t it, but Tony knew.

It was all his fault, he wanted to go out and now they were here.  He had known something was wrong the moment they were standing on the side of the road and his body had gone limp under him, his vision blacking out as he was tumbling towards the pavement.  Bucky was there with him, he was probably captured as well and locked away somewhere close by.  Tony was going to guess they were underground, the walls were cold and the concrete floor seemed to suck the heat right out of him.  Tony was shivering when he woke up in this place and he was just steadily getting worse as time went on.

He had lost track of time, the world because a nonsensical pattern of beatings and periods of solitude. It was hard to tell how much was time passing.  When they were done and left him alone, Tony didn’t know if five minutes passed or five hours.  All he knew was that he was numb and cold, the punches didn’t even hurt at this point.

“Where is he?”  Tony called out into the empty room.  He couldn’t do it.  If he got Bucky killed, sweet Bucky who was here simply to help Tony, he wouldn't survive . Steve’s best friend.  He couldn’t be responsible for taking Steve’s best friend from him again, not when the man just wanted to be helpful.  “Bucky?”

As if in answer, the walls shook around him.  A distant crash was heard, shouting, and then an alarm.  Tony could recognize those sounds of orchestrated panic and chaos anywhere, the team had come for them.  They were both safe, they were alive, and once they got out of here everything would be alright.

Tony closed his eyes and waited.  The sounds gradually grew louder and closer.  His heart was beating faster, this was just a hiccup.  He would be okay, he can go back to Malibu and relax. Maybe take a vacation from everything and hide out on one of his islands.  It had been a stressful few months, the company was doing just fine, and as much as he hated to admit it, the team would be alright without him.  Tony needed to get away from the over involved friends who meant well and the villains and everything.

The large metal door of his cell burst inward, breaking off of its hinges and almost falling into the room but was quickly caught and laid on its side.  Tony looked up to see who had come to his rescue and suddenly the pit of his stomach turned to ice, colder than even the freezing room he was being held in.

“Don’t you have more important things to do?”  Tony asked. He sighted and laid his head against the cold pipe he was handcuffed to.  “Bucky is here, shouldn’t you go looking for him?”

Steve ignored him and instead rushed into the room, he gently grabbed onto Tony’s wrists and ripped the handcuffs apart.  The metal broke with ease and Tony’s freed hands dropped to his sides.  He was just so tired, so cold.  Steve’s arms wrapped around him and pulled him close, it was wrong. He wasn’t allowed to hold him anymore, he had his chance and he didn’t want it.

Tony jerked away, as if his touch burned his skin.  It probably did, Steve always had been warm, his body temperature several degrees higher than everyone else’s, and now that Tony was getting used to the cold it was too much.  Or, maybe he just could have Steve touch him, not after months of almost nothing.  He didn’t want it confirmed that Steve would only want to hold him if it was in a situation like this.

“Tony, please.  We don’t have time for this.”  Steve said quickly, his face falling.  “You can hate me all you want once you’re safe.”

“I don’t ha-“  Tony said quickly, just barely cutting himself off. It was true, he didn’t hate Steve. He could hardly blame him for losing interest.  It happens to everyone.  Pepper broke up with him eventually, it was only a matter of time before Steve realized he wasn’t as in love with Tony as he originally thought.  Tony didn’t hate Steve at all, he just could handle the still raw emotions of loss and pain.  “Just leave, Steve.  I can walk out on my own, don’t touch me.”

Steve sighed.  “Your leg’s sitting at an interesting angle there, sweetheart.  You sure you can walk?”  He said, his voice shaky.  Tony didn’t have to look down at it, he knew it was broken.  Had happened when the masked men stomped on it until the bone snapped loudly.  He must have made quite the sight, his left eye swollen closed, blood trickling off of his face, wrists raw and red from the handcuffs, and a broken leg.  “Just let me carry you out of here, please. I-  I don’t want to but I’ll leave you alone.  I’ll accept the loss and you can find someone who will treat you right. I’ll hate every moment of every day knowing I drove you away and lost you forever, but it’ll be worth it if you just let me carry you out of here before the place blows.”

That was news.  “What?”  Tony asked quickly.

“It’s a trap.”  Steve said.  He took advantage of Tony’s distraction and quickly pulled him into his arms.  “Explosives are under the building, they wanted to lure the Avengers here and take us all out, bury us in the mountain.”

“Mountain?”

“Yeah, we were going to be stealthy too.  But Bucky got out and was causing a ruckus so best way to get us all out safely is to find you.”  Steve said as he lifted Tony into the air and made his way towards the door.  Tony didn’t fight him.

 

~~~

 

Being buried under concrete wasn’t the ideal way to die.  Being with Steve was even less ideal.  They had a small pocket, enough air to last them several hours.  It could probably last them until the team found them and dug them out.  They weren’t too far underground, occasional sounds of wind blowing through cracks could be heard, but whenever Steve would try to push the rocks out of the way their little pocket would just get smaller as the rubble shifted.

Steve would make it. The team would find him and dig him out and he will be fine.  Tony probably wouldn’t be that lucky.  The temperature was steadily dropping and Tony was a shivering mess, hardly able to move from his spot in the corner.  Steve was enhanced, his body temperature was higher, and he would last longer.  Or he would be frozen for another seventy years, Tony wasn’t quite sure at the moment.

“No.  Stop, I don’t-“  Tony said quickly when Steve tried to grab him again.

“You’re freezing, I’m freezing, it’ll be easier on both of us if we shared body heat.”  Steve said calmly.  He had taken off his gloves and was trying to reach out to Tony.  He was in full combat gear, built to withstand most types of extreme weather conditions, just as Tony had designed it.  Tony was in nothing more than jeans and a t-shirt, completely unprepared for the sudden and unplanned trip from the warmth of southern California to the Rocky Mountains on a January night.

“As much fun as sex with you is, I’m not in the mood.”  Tony muttered.  His voice was unsteady, he tried to curl in on himself but it wasn’t working.

Steve sighed, either annoyed or sad.  “This isn’t about sex, Tony.  This is about keeping you alive until help gets here.”

“Yeah?  Well, maybe I just don’t care anymore.”  Tony said.  It was too cold, his voice wouldn’t portray any emotion and all of his energy was going towards finding warmth.  Arguing wouldn’t work well at the moment.

“Tony.”

“I started drinking again, Steve.”  He said, and there was the disappointing silence he had expected.  “I just wanted to stop the pain, I didn’t want to think about it anymore.  They say it was just my chest, from where I got hit and didn’t care enough to go to medical but it felt like so much more than that.  You left me, you didn’t love anymore, and didn’t care anymore.  People can care about such stupid things like twine and cars and stamps and all that garbage, but why couldn’t you care about me?”

He would probably have cried if he had the energy.  Steve didn’t say anything, he just picked Tony up off the ground and pulled him against his chest, his bare hands moving up the back of his shirt to rub warmth back into the skin.  He was humming, and Tony was so selfish he was willing to ignore this whole thing and just bury himself as deep into Steve as he could, smell his familiar scent as his face pressed into his neck and put his hands into the warmest place he could find, pinned between their two chests.

Tony used to hate how hot Steve was, the way his body temperature would turn their bed into an oven. He preferred to be the big spoon, would wrap around him instead of being engulfed in Steve’s warmth.  It was only ever okay on a few occasions, when the sex was over and Tony would forget about it all and cling to Steve as if he was his lifeline and allow himself to be blanketed in the body heat, when he woke up from a nightmare and Steve would feel so hot and so comforting that it was easy to remember he wasn’t in a dark, dank Afghan cave or in the cold vacuum of space, and apparently now, when he was moments away from hypothermia.

“I love you, Tony.” Steve whispered against his hair. “I love you more than anything.  I got distracted, I clung to the only thing I had left from my old life, and I tried to recreate the friendship Bucky didn’t even remember us having.  I shouldn’t have done all that to you and I’m sorry.  Losing you will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I meant what I said earlier, if you sincerely don’t want me then I’ll leave you alone.”

Tony felt like he was on fire.  As his fingers and face started to warm up and the blood circulated more easily, it burned.  He was half tempted to pull away from Steve and let the cold numb him again.  “You should really stop trying to have these types of conversations when I’m incapable of running away from them. First you trap me in the hospital, fresh out of surgery, and now you just bury us in a mountain.”  He whispered against Steve’s neck, not moving a muscle.

“Well, it’s the only chance I get to have you listen to me.”  Steve said. “You’ve been ignoring me for over a month, I can only imagine how hard six must have been.”

“Should make you wait that long, show you how it feels.”  Tony said. Steve was rocking him back and forth, it was nice.  “Then we’ll see if you’re still there.”

“I’ll do it, you know.” Steve said.  He sounded hopeful for the first time in who knew how long. Tony hadn’t heard that tone a voice since Bucky first moved in.  “If it will show you how dedicated I am to you then I’ll give you six months.  You can figure things out, see if you still love me and decide what you want to do.  Maybe stop drinking again.  I’ll wait for you for however long you want.”

“I’m not sure if I can stop drinking.”  Tony said, because even know when he was in pain and freezing and being held by the man he loved most in the world, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop.  He couldn’t just get rid of it all and pretend like the temptations weren’t eating him alive like he did last time he quit.  He couldn’t handle the crawling under his skin and the constant negotiations in his head that one drink wouldn’t hurt him, when it would really destroy him.  “I’m not sure I’ll survive you forgetting me again.”

“I won’t do it again. I promise you that.”  Steve said quickly.  Tony had stopped shivering.  “I’m Captain America, always good for my word.”

There was movement around them.  The rocks were shifting and voices could be heard in the distance.  Tony’s mind couldn’t focus on that, it couldn’t focus on anything for longer than a few seconds.  “You’ll get bored of me.”  He whispered. It wasn’t even a conversation anymore. Tony was just saying all of the truths he couldn’t find the care or energy to deny.  “You’ll just push me aside when you realize you don’t love me anymore.”

“No, baby.  I won’t.  I’d do anything for you.”  Steve said. Tony didn’t know if he was warm or cold. He didn’t feel much of anything.  “I’d give everything I have for you, I’d follow you to the ends of the Earth.  I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The rocks were lifted away. An opening formed above them and Tony could see Thor and Clint as they poked their heads in and relief fill their eyes.  Then he was warm.  Not quite as warm as he would like, even he knew in his state that if they heated him up too quickly it could just cause more damage, but he was slowly getting warmer. He could feel the Quinjet lifting up off the ground and if he looked to his right he could see Bucky, worried and exhausted and very much okay.  If he looked to his left he could see Steve sitting there, with icicles in his hair and sadness in his eyes.

“Steve.  You hate the cold.”  Tony said.  “You okay?”

Steve seemed surprised to be addressed, but nodded anyway.  “Yeah, I’m fine.”  He said. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Tony’s hair.  It felt like fire.  “I love you more than I hate the cold.”

“Oh.”  Tony said.  Steve hated the cold more than almost anything, with Hydra being the only exception. “That’s a lot.”

“Yeah.  It is.”

He shouldn’t really be making decisions, but this wasn’t really a decision at all.  It was almost like an experiment.  Form a hypothesis, test it out, and examine the results.  “I’ll give you six months.”  Tony mumbled.  “See if you’re still there.  Waiting.”

“I’ll wait forever.” Steve said quickly.

Tony hummed and closed his eyes.  “We’ll see.”

It was an experiment, science.  Tony liked science.  If Steve was still waiting after six months, after Tony ignored him and pretended to forget about him, then he’ll consider it.  It wasn’t a decision.  He had six months to make a decision.  Maybe, just maybe, once he had chosen he could give Steve the gift he had been saving for him.  The one he didn’t get to give on Steve’s birthday, or on their anniversary, or on Christmas or New Years.  Maybe.

In the half a second before Tony fell asleep he realized Steve was holding him.  He didn’t mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Fanfic author appreciation day. Yay.  
> Possible followup fic from Steve's point of view? Maybe. But I'm greedy and selfish and I'll make a deal with you. I'm always a slut for fanart so if at least one person draws me fanart then I'll definitely write a Steve POV followup fic. Or, just ignore me complete. Just enjoy the story.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to comment and follow my [tumblr](http://aceofultron.tumblr.com/)  
> Comments are appreciated and make me very happy.


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